I wish I could teleport
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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