hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
