a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
home. puking in laundry basket.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
