Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
it's like iHOP with fire
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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