Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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