and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
