Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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