you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
