I am puke
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
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I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
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LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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