I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
sex in a hospital.. check
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
