he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
