i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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