Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
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