I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
