The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
