So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
