Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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