I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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