Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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