fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
