if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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