The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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