There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
