You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
