Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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