I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
