I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
