if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
