he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
