i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
We have started to decorate penises.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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