The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
My pussy is not your playground.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
