I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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