Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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