I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
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We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
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DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize