I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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