Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
