I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
