considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
