He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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