I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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