I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
he thought i was a dude.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
