Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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