Swine flu. Run for my life!
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
