Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Who died my cat blue again?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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