Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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