PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
