so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
