apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
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