Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
