The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
