Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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