I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
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Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
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So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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