I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
