First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
