Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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