it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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