Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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