Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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