the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Randomize
