Welp...herpes.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
