You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
