We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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