Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
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He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
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After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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