Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
