I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
